A Series of Words and Mouse Clicks

1.15 Vote For Your Favorite Penguin

2006-10-17T18:29:00.000-05:00

So the second time North Korea decides to go forward with nuclear testing it makes headlines... THE SECOND TIME!!! Does anyone remember a few months ago when they completed a first round of testing? Of course not... and do you know why? Because for some reason that was page 9 news... a little blurb underneath the gossip column featuring 'Best Dressed for Summer'. How is any country that is conducting nuclear testing not front page in-your-face news? Page 9 featured a breakdown of the different sizes and destruction potential for the four main missiles North Korea was known to have. Um.... people... they launched nuclear missiles capable of destroying cities! No, you staunch republicans are right... we belong pissing all of our resources down the drain in a third world country where our brand of culturally insensitive 'shove it down your throat' democracy will never take hold. Their airplanes are so old they would embarass the Wright Brothers! Are our priorities in line here?

On a less political, more exposing our idiotic society note, christmas is coming and in 2006 that means one thing... big fat hillbilly parents going to blows inside the Walmart over the new Tickle Me Elmo X360RazrBlutoothTechFu*ker Doll. It was hilarious to be a part of the original Elmo fiasco ten years ago. As a part-time warehouse clerk living the American retail dream, I witnessed the limited number of Elmo's available and the big fat fatties crowding up the isles to get their paws on one. No, I'm sure little Susie or Johnny wouldn't be pleased at all with a kiddie laptop computer, kiddie cell phone, kiddie 'dress like slut divas' kit, or tight red turtleneck... they've got to have a vibrating ball of red fur that will ultimately turn into a vibrating dust collector by February. What additional features do we need on this doll? Even if he sh*ts, swears, becomes succeptible to hay fever, and develops homosexual tendencies the kids will still be sick of it two weeks later. Let's face it... they don't make things like G.I. Joe anymore!

1.14 Crackityjonez-4, Packers-1 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

2006-10-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing I prepared myself to come up with 10 or more of these annoying supplements because WOW the green and gold are making my 2006 season so very excellent to watch. Another one... so close... but still a loss for my least favorite NFL team. Awe shucks... poor Brett looked so sad in the sports section today, and with good cause. You see he isn't sad that they are a horrible team... he's sad that he's not watching it from the confines of retirement on a big screen tv knowing he got out when he should have. T-S buddy... you're sinking with the ship.

What is very disturbing about the Packer losses is that with each one... domestic disturbance calls seem to increase. Apparently, Leeroy and Billy Ray like to get juiced up on Busch Light or Hamms, drive the rusty pick up back home and rough up the house a little because their beloved green and gold couldn't beat a sixth grade glee club this year. I say... every drunk hillbilly caught causing a domestic disturbance should be tied to a pole and left in the middle of the yard during 'recreation hour' at Tacheedah women's prison. We'll see who's a tough guy then mother f*ckers! And to the Pack... well I still support moving the team to Yankton, South Dakota.

1.13 Crackityjonez-3, Packers-1 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

2006-10-03T18:33:00.000-05:00

I don't think I need to say much about this one except thank you Philly for the decent little boost in the margin standings, and GO RAMS!!!

Oh... and it's really great that every Monday we get to listen to Joe Theisman tell us all about what it was like when he played 100 years ago, and the fun little names they had for things... and how they slapped each other's ---- He's worse than Dan Fouts if that's possible! There are way too many former players announcing and doing analysis for these games... good god there's like seven just for Monday Night Football. Seven not including the worthless sideline commentary from Deapthroat and The Chicken Lady! Oooooohhhh it's so relevant for us to hear an improperly timed story about the offensive lineman's third cousin's neighbor giving birth to a goat right before the game. And don't think for a second this is about female commentators... that's not at all the issue... it's irrelevant commentary that almost always runs longer than the time allotted. I'd say the same thing if that fat Gumble fellow waddled his a$$ to the sidelines every Monday night.

1.12 An Open Letter...

2006-10-02T18:35:00.000-05:00

To the guy who was missing ALL of his bottom teeth this past weekend at the Ale House... how do you do it man? You've not gotten to the point where you want bottom dentures to pick up the slack? What do you eat besides your own tounge and gallons of alcohol? When one of the itchy, crack-addicted hookers you pay for wants you to play it rough... well you certainly can't nibble on a nipple with only top choppers. Can you whistle? What does that sound like? With all the time you're saving from only having to brush half the normal amount of teeth that most others have to... what are you doing? Legos? More drinking? You'd be a terrible vampire. From what I saw you're not a great dancer and I really don't think the ladies you hit on were all that impressed. I know it seems unfair that a 55 year old guy in a trucker hat who hasn't washed/cut/combed his hair in 13 years and is missing ALL his bottom teeth doesn't have the same chances in the dating world, but I've come to learn that ladies generally don't like to run their hands through long strands of greasy locks. Also the fact that you've lost half your teeth shows that you may not be doing the things you need to do to maintain the ones still in place... and even though its probably easier for them to stick a tounge down your throat... it's not anymore appealing. I'm no expert, but I've gathered these things from observation. You'd be a hit if you were gay though!

1.11 Crackityjonez-2, Packers-0 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

2006-09-18T17:35:00.000-05:00

I literally have a feeling I may be strung up by my nuggets from the ceiling fan for including these supplements during Packer season... especially since the green and gold are only 11 losses away from making me 100% correct. How about this... I will cease and desist when they reach a fourth victory this season. I will not shy away from the fact that their colors should be changed back to blue and gold, and the team should be packed up and moved to Yankton, South Dakota. Take that you Busch Light can drinkin' homophobe!

1.10 Crackityjonez-1, Packers-0 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

2006-09-11T18:00:00.000-05:00

Ouch... 26-0 at Lambeau! Tough one Packers. I for one was quite excited to see the mega-rival Bears eat the green and gold alive on their home turf. Does anyone else think Brett should have called it quits during the off season? Nobody remembers that statistically Randy Wright was a much better QB than Favre will ever be. Ok I can't back that up... but you just felt your blood boil a bit. If I said that in my hometown I'd likely be dead or permanently crippled... it's more of a sin than stealing or adultery. Nevertheless, this is all well and good. Everyone enjoy your last glimpses of #4 while he carries your green and gold to a 3-13 season... hahahahahahahaha. Probably the only things that could make this season enjoyable would be bringing back the old drunks they used to have calling the games each week... or watching a man of ample girth down 24 Dr. Pepper's back to back until he pukes.

There is also new post 1.9 below... read that for non-anti packer info.

1.9 Fall, Spring's Ugly Cousin

2006-09-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

It's f*cking September already? Now for the next three weeks everyone will say "didn't summer go by so fast?", and I'll say "yes, I can't believe how fast summer went by"... and we'll go back and forth hundreds of times as we do every year. Either way fall is upon us... that very special time when the leaves turn that "pretty purply brown" and our little world gets gradually colder as we prepare to endure the mysterious winter that lies ahead. What happens in fall? Aside from everyone and their cousin getting married (and in some instances getting married to their cousin... what's up now Town of Vandenbrook?) we have a losing Packer's season (crackityjonez picks them to finish 3-13, and then with each loss I laugh a bit to myself while all of you die a little on the inside), and deer hunting which does absolutely nothing for me, but I did go on a date with a girl three years ago who is probably quite excited to clean that shotgun and bring home 'dat tirty point buck'. Side note: if you're not a deer hunting guy, you're not going to match up well with a deer hunting girl... in fact it should say on match.com that "she will literally kick your ass and swing you around her head by your ankles". Quite frightening.

The cold months are good for one thing... snuggling up to the fire place with that special someone and serenading them with a soft love song. In my case that means passing out alone on the kitchen floor with the oven on while "I Want to Eat Your Face" is playing at maximum volume and stuck on repeat at 4am. Enchanting. That's the kind of scene they need to show during an advertisement for the regurgitated pile of whining and hair known as "Soft Ballads". Listening to Michael Bolton ask "how am I supposed to live without you" while some shirless bald drunk lies face-down on the kitchen floor in the background... now that's comedy.

The colder months do bring us holidays... lots of good ones that get us off of work. The holidays also provide us the opportunity to see those relatives we get to see twice a year. This is a great chance to spend two uncomfortable minutes going over the same sh*t you told them last year; "no I graduated college four years ago", "no I'm not gay... my old college roommate is just here for the free meal", "yes I brought a live camel to your house and what of it?". Then you get to open that 'thoughtful' gift of a tight red turtleneck... you know the one that the Goodwill rep makes you pull back out of the donation box! From there we have a couple birthdays, New Year's 2007 (if all goes well my no-puke streak will reach a year on that holiday), Febtoberfest, and then things warm up just a bit as we ease into the spring. At that point we all realize how fast the winter flew by... especially how fast we gained that 30 pounds and how fast we all became so pale-skinned that people are offering to check us into drug rehab. Then my fat pale ass gets to say "didn't fall and winter just fly by?" hundreds of times as the terrible cycle spins on.

1.8 Take A Bow

2006-08-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

Why is Pluto no longer a planet? You're gonna take the 'Penis' out of My Very Egotistical Mail-order bride Just Snapped Uncle Ned's Penis? That was such an easy saying to help third graders remember the planets in order. Who is deciding on this anyway? There are actual people paid to decide whether some big collection of rock, ice, and gas is worthy of planetary status? Who cares what is called a planet and what isn't? They could call Earth a fu*king giant dinosaur testicle and it wouldn't make a difference to me... we'd be here carrying on life as usual... though we'd probably all snicker more at the thought of referring to our giant ball of rock and water as a dinosaur testicle. Now, Pluto will be a 'dwarf planet'.. whooooo that changes things so drastically. Still, we all know damn well there's a scientist who started this madness curled up at home pleasuring himself to maps of the solar system or diagrams of cell walls. Why are we spending time and money with this issue? Aren't there flipping deadly diseases, global warming, and scratch off ticket junkies to get rid of? Will a terminally ill cancer patient be lying in bed thinking, "well I'm in horrible pain... but at least they figured out what to do with Pluto"? Probably not. My money is on that patient wishing they'd spend this time and money coming up with a way to save lives or do something useful for science. Now we have to change all the godd*mn science books you jacka$$es! School is about to start... millions of textbooks hot off the press and ready to be opened for the first time and now we have to destroy them to make room for the eight-planet solar system. This is of course unless the school is anything like my high school in which case according to the most recent text books the sun still revolves around the flat planet Earth, and we're about to elect the 18th president of these 32 United States. Thankfully, I'll be able to tell the grandkids "I remember when Pluto was still a planet... no not a dwarf-planet like it is now". Dwarf-planet? Is that PC? Shouldn't we refer to it as an assistant planet or something? I'm sure that's the next debate.

No matter what we all bitch about with regard to people and stupidity... always remember that many of these people are allowed to vote.

1.7 One Of Those Bounders

2006-08-21T18:39:00.000-05:00

I am not what you might call "smart"... I don't "think" before I do anything... I'm not "someone you'd hire to shovel your snowy sidewalk" because I'd probably bring a "garden shovel" to do the job... you get the idea.

This past Saturday I assembled a small group of colleagues to embark on a river boat tour of three of Milwaukee's finest microbreweries. All was well and good, people showed up on time, and we were ready to kick things off by 12:30pm having arrived at our starting point. So we start drinking right then and of course I ate the sum of one small piece of soft pretzel prior to embarking on our tour. You need to remember that small piece of soft pretzel because that's the last thing I remember eating that day (though rumor has it I did enjoy some nachos later on... and I'm kinda pissed because I like nachos and don't normally make it a point to not remember them). Nevertheless the tour was fun, the microbrew was potent and flowing, and toward the end we even played a rousing game of "butt quarters". BQ's basically means you shove a quarter in your crack and walk it over to a small cup attempting to drop the quarter in. Good thing people brought cameras and captured some live video footage because I'd really hate to not be able to show people what it's like to be a grown adult nearing 30 and dropping quarters into a cup with my ass while I'm hammered. Stories for the grandkids. Ok, the tour comes to an end and its right about at that point that I start to have some "scene missing" moments in my memory. I'll sum up the scenes I do remember:

1. Standing in some bar (possibly Wolski's??) and feeling like I was unable to move or speak... but hey, it was still light out!!!
2. Exiting Wolski's for "fresh air" and deciding it might be a good idea if I just start walking.

Now I can only estimate it was around 7pm or shortly thereafter when I started this walk, but the bits I remember from here on are neat too.

1. There was a point where I was west of Humboldt on North ave. For those of you familiar with the area, well let's just say its not a desirable setting for night walking. Thank you to the fellows hanging outside whatever grafitti-splattered wall that was by about 2nd and North for advising me to turn around... also thanks for not killing me or stealing anything.
2. I do know that I called Filzen three times and at least twice left messages that I was quite lost and needed assistance asap. Luckily after about 10 minutes I figured out where I was and decided to keep on with my journey.
3. A stop at the donut stand on north ave for coffee. I really hope I bought donuts too but since I can't prove that... well they'll have to remain delicious speculation. The coffee was a big help... especially the portion I didn't spill all over myself. (The "Crack is Wack" shirt did survive the event).

I stopped moving on Oakland so I could get some bearing and finish the coffee... then I do remember leaving the cup sitting there and for some stupid reason I laughed for about 10 minutes while many passers-by probably had me pegged for a crazed yelling street walker. Whatever, it kept them the hell away from me! That's normal right??? I think inside my head I was truly enjoying this event, but I'm sure on the outside I gave off more of a weird Frankenstein vibe. It was at this point that the night became a bit more clear and I continued on my long walk knowing full well that I had the number for a taxi programmed into my phone. Why didn't I call for a taxi at any point during this estimated two hour journey? See the first paragraph of this entry for your answer. The remainder of the journey was a tiresome and lengthy walk that I remember wishing I was still blacked out for, but still quite glad to be home without incident. Sunday I checked all my pockets and my wallet... no police tickets or jail release forms!!! These are normal weekend concerns for a 27 year old right??? RIGHT???

1.6 Dough

2006-08-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

People! Hello... w-t-f are we doing? I'm fully convinced that all of you have absolutely lost your minds. We as a country (for lack of a more accurate term) have recently survived a rather elevated heatwave that swept the country from east to west, top to bottom... you get the idea. People handled the heat in their own ways... some sought shade, some found bodies of water, some locked children or pets in a hot car while they ran into Walmart to purchase 40 cartons of Merit Ultra Lights and a 96 pack of sh*t beer... you know the usual outlets for dealing with the heat. One lady who resides in a southern state that will remain nameless decided to bake cookies on the dashboard of her car. That's right folks, whipped up a dough, scooped them in 1" clumps on a pan and placed the pan on her dashboard for five hours. So... instead of taking the usual 10-12 minutes in the oven, she elected to monitor this madness outside in the heat periodically for five hours. Hmmm... so why would she do this? Well the idiots at my favorite channel speculated, no wait they spent time interviewing this lunatic! The woman stated that it would save energy. Save energy? So you're running a 10,000 BTU powersucker air conditioner and you're worried about 10 minutes in the oven? On top of that, if its so hot, w-t-f are you doing running outside in that heat on and off for five hours? Thirdly, I'm sure your family will truly appreciate the lingering smell of burning sugar/eggs and all the fun bumble bees and bugs that will be attracted by the sugar now baking into your dashboard. Nice. For all of you baking at home, I've included the recipe and directions for "Dashboard Delights" as I call them:

1. Park your car/rusted truck/RV with the dashboard directly in the scorching hot sun for at least an hour prior to baking.
2. Have sex with one or more of your siblings so that you may impart your baking secrets to your one-eyed, lip-less inbred offspring.
3. 2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
4. 3/4 cup granulated sugar
5. 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. Mix contents together for 30 seconds
8. Add 5oz of all purpose rat poison and stir
9. Drop in 1" clumps onto baking tray
10. Walk outside in the scorching heat, open one car door and set tray on the dashboard, still feeling that false sense of pride like you felt when you went poo-poo on the big people potty.
11. Come out of the house and check periodically making sure to be in plain view of the intelligent people staying (and possibly doing their baking) inside.
12. Bake on a million degrees (or whatever the sun heats at) for five hours or until your dashboard is completely ruined and your car is full of bees.
13. Call the news and have them come interview you because it seems really neat and fun that people would bake cookies in their cars for five hours.

These are the same people whose trailerhome wud swoop'd up by da tornayda... oh and they probably voted in 2004 too... are you seeing the connection here?

1.5 Lollapalooza

2006-08-07T18:12:00.000-05:00

I returned last night from a three day music monster known as Lollapalooza. Grant Park in Chicago hosted the event and it is my sincere wish that it will continue to be an annual home for this showcase of known and unknown acts and generes. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers headlined the event in front of a tiny group of 70,000 screaming and intoxicated fans, and I had the distinct pleasure of being near the front of that sweatty brood. It gave me the opportunity to get uncomfortably close to a man who may have actually been a gorilla, 14 year old girls that don't understand the laws of physics, and people that were more drunk than I've ever been in three days combined. Here are some of the more memorable moments from the event (yes another list... shut up and enjoy):

1. My friend greeting the pizza deliveryman with, "hey dad".
2. The guy who spent last night in jail after being open-field tackled for trying to run away following a swim in that disgusting 100 year old fountain water.
3. The 300lb unisex monster that decided to wear a full backpack to the show to... give off the impression that he/she was 400lbs? I don't know.
4. The end of the Kanye West performance. Thanks for stealing 90 minutes of my life bud... you'll see an invoice in the mail because I'm billing you for them.
5. My near-purchase of an over-sized Chuck Norris t-shirt. I want to thank that store for not having anything smaller than a tent in stock, but also for employing a guy who is somehow able to talk on his bluetooth, play online poker, and ring up purchases simultaneously.
6. The three girls who took the detergent and ice bath together... hmmm.
7. Trying to think of that movie where an occupied porta-potty is lifted by a crane, moved to a different locale and shaken up a bit.
8. The two idiots that got the living sh*t kicked out of them by security for trying to rush the stage during RHCP (if I have to explain what RHCP is at this point, please grab the nearest sharpened pencil and jam it into your temple).
9. The people at RHCP that actually thought Will Ferrell was the drummer... must be hardcore fans of the group.

I would sincerely recommend anyone look into attending this event if it comes around again next year... the bands were great, the concessions were reasonably priced, and the park was laid out very well. Mr. Perry Farrell, my hat is off to you.

1.4 A Radio Heaven

2006-07-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

First of all I would like to say 'cheers' to 102.1 in Milwaukee for putting a halt to their ever-building reputation for being Nickleback Central on FM radio. Nickleback is a terrible band that should really burn the leather pants and get a headstart on the County Fair tour circuit co-headlining with REO Speedwagon and Dan "The Former Convict Turned Born-again Clown". I heard 102.1 Milwaukee play a song I haven't heard in ten years by the band 'Tripping Daisy', and this restored my confidence in having a radio station that might actually have the cahunas to dust off some of that old gold we call alternative music, and put the overplayed loud-loud-soft-loud "save yourself, my daddy left me" bullsh*t on the backburner. Consequently I accidentally had 102.1 still on my radio dial when I arrived recently in the Fox Cities, and wow there was a bit of a difference. You see, 102.1 in the Fox Cities is some sort of religious rock station... this became evident in the three words I heard just before I attempted to puncture my ear drums with a swiss army quill. "God is awesome" was the exact line belted out over happy and holy guitar chords that King James himself scribed on early editions of The Bible. King James thought... "yeah, G-C-D sounds good for this number".

Anyrate, since 2006 is half over I thought it would be completely inappropriate and unnecessary to publish my lists of sh*t that did and did not suck thus far... so here they are:

SH*T THAT HASN'T SUCKED:
1. Arrested Development on DVD~ yes FOX, we're buying it up in groves so get your contract signing pen ready.
2. That girl from Peru~ I'm convinced she still emails me only so I'll marry her for citizenship... who knows. Overall, the trip to Cancun was awesome... especially the part where I spent $50+ just to get into one of the clubs, then another $2 every time one of the local fu*kers brings me a drink and begs to no end for a tip. All this so I can stand perfectly still sweating my drunk ass off while 1000's of people are wobbling into a room where the legal capacity is somewhere in the 73-77 range.
3. Brewer Games~ who knew we could each drink 24 beers and still be coherent enough to ask random girls out on dates but forget to exchange phone numbers? I'm 27... this is typically what medical professionals consider to be "a slight problem with alcohol, but a kick-ass way to mask insecurities and meet girls".
4. Balbach's Blog~ I especially enjoyed the post regarding the homeless guy who he thought was dead but was really just sleeping face-down. There's a link to it on your right... your other right assh*le!
5. Lakefront Brewery~ If you're wondering where all the cheap fat people gather on Friday nights... well it's this little home-brewed diamond in the rough. Good beer, good food, fat fu*king crowd!

SH*T THAT HAS SUCKED:
1. The Weather Channel~ I can't get off of this one. Their lead reporters or liars both fake bake, there is a really annoying "business analyst", and the guy with the huge nose thinks he's fu*king Geraldo because he is stupid enough to report live from the middle of a fu*king tornado. Oh, and big nose... the goggles won't do sh*t for you when the 300 mph swirling funnel picks up a skyscraper and crushes you with it. They say they deserve to be called 'the hurricane experts'??? Who are they competing with here? Is Lifetime now claiming to also be 'hurricane experts'??? no you idiots! Mark my words, there will one day be a Weather Channel 2 and a Weather Channel Classics that people will pay for in their cable packages. Gee whiz pa, cain't wait to see that drought from '99 tonight on WCC!
2. Obesity~ did all of you honestly think you could throw down 1300 mc-calories for breakfast, suck ten sodas and gorge seven candy bars each day with no repercussions? Oh, and apparently you have to actually move your fatass around from time to time... ya know like exercise??? Now you're filing lawsuits claiming business's made you fat? Good god people, if you'd put that much energy in taking a lap around the block and maybe eating a fu*king apple each day you wouldn't be in this predictament.
3. Driving~ as far as driving is concerned, every one of you is an idiot and should have your license burned in front of your face.
4. Celebrity Gossip~ there are many dregs out there that get paid a lot of money to spend actual time telling me how many times Brad Pitt took a crap yesterday. I don't give a sh*t... leave these people alone!
5. People that work for the cable company~ you better pray to your dark prince every fu*king day that competing cable companies aren't allowed into our area because you're going to be forced to actually hire and monitor customer service representatives that aren't active members of organized crime families. On top of that... it sure would be nice to speak to someone that has actually made it up to like seventh or eighth grade with their education. Good god, have they banished english courses from public schools?

Well, there you have it. I feel better... you?

1.3 Me and Elvis

2006-07-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

Elvis is alive and well... well he's... alive. I know those words have been spoken by every beer-guzzlin' homophobe, acid-enduced tv psychic, and trick-turnin' hot dog vendor under the sun, but I saw him. I should say I've seen him... at least three times in the past two months right here in anytown, USA. Today was the most recent sighting of the trifecta. While creeping at a snail's pace along steamy highway 45 south I glanced out my driver's side window only to see a light tan '72 Chevy Impala pass me by. The driver appeared very agitated behind that dark black mane draping just past his infamous pork chop sideburns. I thought maybe I saw the upper lip curl, but it was very hot and I could have been imagining that part. Nevertheless he appeared unshaven as a hunka hunka burnin' scruff protruded from his chin absorbing even more of the beating July sunshine and being stretched to its limits with every loud curse word he sang at the surrounding vehicles. I could hear some type of death metal coming from his car stereo system, and my suspicion was confirmed when I saw him mouth the words "goatwhore" and "cannibal corpse" (two prominent death metal bands) as he switched tapes. It was at that point that Elvis took the left exit, and I can only assume he was heading to his job as a shoe salesman in the ghetto. Oh yea, the first two times I saw him were at Ghet-toes Shooz and Knives while on a search for my new feet. There's nothing quite like having the king shoehorn a size 13 onto your feet for you, then curse the day you were born when you bring them back because he sells sh*t. Yes... Elvis is alive and well... driving a rusty '72 Impala, listening to death metal, selling sh*tty shoes in the ghetto, and telling his fans to go f*ck themselves with a g*ddamn shoehorn if they think they're bringing these f*cking shoes back in his g*ddamn store! Yes the king is back, or at least a very angry man that looks like the king.

1.2 The Lucky Penny, P&M # 1

2006-07-23T21:07:00.000-05:00

7.23.06

Ok so that I don't confuse any of the three people that may read this... The Diary of Francis E. Manhenry will be a sporadic recurring thing since I'm just now starting to educate myself on 19th century dialogue. Fun words though.

It's not often that I am awake at 7:30am on a Sunday, but today was one of those rare occasions. I had nearly forgotten there was a 7:30am on Sundays, but fortunately once in a while I like to pretend I'm 70 years old. Another large contributor to the early rise was the lack of 20+ drinks in my system from the previous night. Again... 70. Twas a substantially productive day though, went to the grocery store upon waking up and found myself among the group of people that are actually grocery shopping at that time on Sundays: senior citizens, people of very ample physical proportion that wouldn't normally fit down the unaccomodating seven foot wide isles, and the people that play Dungeons and Dragons who appeared to not have actually slept in a few days. That or their skin has a powerful natural sun repelant... anyway there were so few people that I could actually take time to observe. I got home in time to watch the intolerable pep club that is The Weather Channel weekend crew. These people are more irritating than the speed dealers they have on during the week. Everybody's so giggly and over happy... they make stuipd news people jokes and smile so big I'm afraid one of these times a head will explode during the hurricane update. They told me there would be 'plentiful sunshine' today... not 'mostly sunny' or 'plenty of sunshine' or that it would be a day that would make you say "goddamn its sunny"... plentiful sunshine. This uber-abundance (see TWC I can make shit up too) of sunny happy niceness meant I could finally take that stroll to the lake and read The Onion (see... the 70 yr old thing again). I did so having underestimated the distance from my home to the lake. 2.5 miles later I arrived to a human zoo of screaming children, inept parents, and by god an open bench to rest my now weary legs. Having read my articles I set forth toward home, and stumbled across a penny heads-up on the ground. Having literally nothing to lose in my life I picked up and put it in my pocket. The last two times I did this I had shitty days to follow... but this time would be different. I figured even if today didn't go so well, I picked it up really closer to Monday if you break it down so maybe a good Monday??? Got home and was quite bored... so I went ahead and popped up the online personal ads to see who the single ladies were in town. I haven't done this in three years, and I don't subscribe or respond to the ads at all, but thought maybe I'd have a free search of the database done to see who 'my matches' were. Well, much to my delight the very first one I looked at just so happened to be a Russian fugitive... I mean it said so right in the ad! Now I sat back and thought for a minute... these are supposed to be matches according to the criteria I entered for the search. I certainly did not ask for international fugitives! Unless maybe I blacked out for a second right before the search and decided, hey show me some blonde haired girls in my 24-30 age bracket who are currently wanted criminals in other countries. No no no sir. I recently met a girl from Peru on my trip to Cancun and I'm quite sure the only reason she still emails me is because she wants me to marry her for citizenship. I have to draw the line somewhere. So... I'll assume Monday will be when my lucky penny kicks in.

1.1 The Diary of Francis Manhenry

2006-07-17T18:40:00.000-05:00

The following is the detailed and truthful journal kept by one Francis E. Manhenry, a reknown 19th century dentist and self-proclaimed 'ladies gent' who was also reknown for being untruthful. Francis lived in Horseappel Township, a place that never existed.

June 17, 1863
I awoke this morning eariler than most days, and somewhat nervous to begin my day. You see today was the day that the Horseappel town's council decided upon a new mayor, and I was up against one Barton Wilhelmer. That Barton thought himself to be the biggest toad in the puddle, but I gave him a proper rousing at the afternoon debate. Barton caps the climax of trickery and deceipt in Horseappel township, and I wouldn't stand for one more minute of it. The boodle agreed and I was placed as mayor shortly thereafter. I soon returned to my diggings so that I might clean up a bit before going out to get good and corned at the local groggery in celebration of the day's victory. One Barton Wilhelmer elected to show his face later that evening thinking he might fix my flint, but I gave that fleshy tyst a piece of my mind and sent him steppin'. The boodle cheered the new mayor of Horseappel Township and we all had a good corning while ole Barton Wilhelmer hung up his fiddle for good.