1.15 Vote For Your Favorite Penguin

So the second time North Korea decides to go forward with nuclear testing it makes headlines... THE SECOND TIME!!! Does anyone remember a few months ago when they completed a first round of testing? Of course not... and do you know why? Because for some reason that was page 9 news... a little blurb underneath the gossip column featuring 'Best Dressed for Summer'. How is any country that is conducting nuclear testing not front page in-your-face news? Page 9 featured a breakdown of the different sizes and destruction potential for the four main missiles North Korea was known to have. Um.... people... they launched nuclear missiles capable of destroying cities! No, you staunch republicans are right... we belong pissing all of our resources down the drain in a third world country where our brand of culturally insensitive 'shove it down your throat' democracy will never take hold. Their airplanes are so old they would embarass the Wright Brothers! Are our priorities in line here?

On a less political, more exposing our idiotic society note, christmas is coming and in 2006 that means one thing... big fat hillbilly parents going to blows inside the Walmart over the new Tickle Me Elmo X360RazrBlutoothTechFu*ker Doll. It was hilarious to be a part of the original Elmo fiasco ten years ago. As a part-time warehouse clerk living the American retail dream, I witnessed the limited number of Elmo's available and the big fat fatties crowding up the isles to get their paws on one. No, I'm sure little Susie or Johnny wouldn't be pleased at all with a kiddie laptop computer, kiddie cell phone, kiddie 'dress like slut divas' kit, or tight red turtleneck... they've got to have a vibrating ball of red fur that will ultimately turn into a vibrating dust collector by February. What additional features do we need on this doll? Even if he sh*ts, swears, becomes succeptible to hay fever, and develops homosexual tendencies the kids will still be sick of it two weeks later. Let's face it... they don't make things like G.I. Joe anymore!

1.14 Crackityjonez-4, Packers-1 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

It's a good thing I prepared myself to come up with 10 or more of these annoying supplements because WOW the green and gold are making my 2006 season so very excellent to watch. Another one... so close... but still a loss for my least favorite NFL team. Awe shucks... poor Brett looked so sad in the sports section today, and with good cause. You see he isn't sad that they are a horrible team... he's sad that he's not watching it from the confines of retirement on a big screen tv knowing he got out when he should have. T-S buddy... you're sinking with the ship.

What is very disturbing about the Packer losses is that with each one... domestic disturbance calls seem to increase. Apparently, Leeroy and Billy Ray like to get juiced up on Busch Light or Hamms, drive the rusty pick up back home and rough up the house a little because their beloved green and gold couldn't beat a sixth grade glee club this year. I say... every drunk hillbilly caught causing a domestic disturbance should be tied to a pole and left in the middle of the yard during 'recreation hour' at Tacheedah women's prison. We'll see who's a tough guy then mother f*ckers! And to the Pack... well I still support moving the team to Yankton, South Dakota.

1.13 Crackityjonez-3, Packers-1 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

I don't think I need to say much about this one except thank you Philly for the decent little boost in the margin standings, and GO RAMS!!!

Oh... and it's really great that every Monday we get to listen to Joe Theisman tell us all about what it was like when he played 100 years ago, and the fun little names they had for things... and how they slapped each other's ---- He's worse than Dan Fouts if that's possible! There are way too many former players announcing and doing analysis for these games... good god there's like seven just for Monday Night Football. Seven not including the worthless sideline commentary from Deapthroat and The Chicken Lady! Oooooohhhh it's so relevant for us to hear an improperly timed story about the offensive lineman's third cousin's neighbor giving birth to a goat right before the game. And don't think for a second this is about female commentators... that's not at all the issue... it's irrelevant commentary that almost always runs longer than the time allotted. I'd say the same thing if that fat Gumble fellow waddled his a$$ to the sidelines every Monday night.

1.12 An Open Letter...

To the guy who was missing ALL of his bottom teeth this past weekend at the Ale House... how do you do it man? You've not gotten to the point where you want bottom dentures to pick up the slack? What do you eat besides your own tounge and gallons of alcohol? When one of the itchy, crack-addicted hookers you pay for wants you to play it rough... well you certainly can't nibble on a nipple with only top choppers. Can you whistle? What does that sound like? With all the time you're saving from only having to brush half the normal amount of teeth that most others have to... what are you doing? Legos? More drinking? You'd be a terrible vampire. From what I saw you're not a great dancer and I really don't think the ladies you hit on were all that impressed. I know it seems unfair that a 55 year old guy in a trucker hat who hasn't washed/cut/combed his hair in 13 years and is missing ALL his bottom teeth doesn't have the same chances in the dating world, but I've come to learn that ladies generally don't like to run their hands through long strands of greasy locks. Also the fact that you've lost half your teeth shows that you may not be doing the things you need to do to maintain the ones still in place... and even though its probably easier for them to stick a tounge down your throat... it's not anymore appealing. I'm no expert, but I've gathered these things from observation. You'd be a hit if you were gay though!

1.11 Crackityjonez-2, Packers-0 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

I literally have a feeling I may be strung up by my nuggets from the ceiling fan for including these supplements during Packer season... especially since the green and gold are only 11 losses away from making me 100% correct. How about this... I will cease and desist when they reach a fourth victory this season. I will not shy away from the fact that their colors should be changed back to blue and gold, and the team should be packed up and moved to Yankton, South Dakota. Take that you Busch Light can drinkin' homophobe!

1.10 Crackityjonez-1, Packers-0 (Anti-Packer Supplement)

Ouch... 26-0 at Lambeau! Tough one Packers. I for one was quite excited to see the mega-rival Bears eat the green and gold alive on their home turf. Does anyone else think Brett should have called it quits during the off season? Nobody remembers that statistically Randy Wright was a much better QB than Favre will ever be. Ok I can't back that up... but you just felt your blood boil a bit. If I said that in my hometown I'd likely be dead or permanently crippled... it's more of a sin than stealing or adultery. Nevertheless, this is all well and good. Everyone enjoy your last glimpses of #4 while he carries your green and gold to a 3-13 season... hahahahahahahaha. Probably the only things that could make this season enjoyable would be bringing back the old drunks they used to have calling the games each week... or watching a man of ample girth down 24 Dr. Pepper's back to back until he pukes.

There is also new post 1.9 below... read that for non-anti packer info.

1.9 Fall, Spring's Ugly Cousin

It's f*cking September already? Now for the next three weeks everyone will say "didn't summer go by so fast?", and I'll say "yes, I can't believe how fast summer went by"... and we'll go back and forth hundreds of times as we do every year. Either way fall is upon us... that very special time when the leaves turn that "pretty purply brown" and our little world gets gradually colder as we prepare to endure the mysterious winter that lies ahead. What happens in fall? Aside from everyone and their cousin getting married (and in some instances getting married to their cousin... what's up now Town of Vandenbrook?) we have a losing Packer's season (crackityjonez picks them to finish 3-13, and then with each loss I laugh a bit to myself while all of you die a little on the inside), and deer hunting which does absolutely nothing for me, but I did go on a date with a girl three years ago who is probably quite excited to clean that shotgun and bring home 'dat tirty point buck'. Side note: if you're not a deer hunting guy, you're not going to match up well with a deer hunting girl... in fact it should say on match.com that "she will literally kick your ass and swing you around her head by your ankles". Quite frightening.

The cold months are good for one thing... snuggling up to the fire place with that special someone and serenading them with a soft love song. In my case that means passing out alone on the kitchen floor with the oven on while "I Want to Eat Your Face" is playing at maximum volume and stuck on repeat at 4am. Enchanting. That's the kind of scene they need to show during an advertisement for the regurgitated pile of whining and hair known as "Soft Ballads". Listening to Michael Bolton ask "how am I supposed to live without you" while some shirless bald drunk lies face-down on the kitchen floor in the background... now that's comedy.

The colder months do bring us holidays... lots of good ones that get us off of work. The holidays also provide us the opportunity to see those relatives we get to see twice a year. This is a great chance to spend two uncomfortable minutes going over the same sh*t you told them last year; "no I graduated college four years ago", "no I'm not gay... my old college roommate is just here for the free meal", "yes I brought a live camel to your house and what of it?". Then you get to open that 'thoughtful' gift of a tight red turtleneck... you know the one that the Goodwill rep makes you pull back out of the donation box! From there we have a couple birthdays, New Year's 2007 (if all goes well my no-puke streak will reach a year on that holiday), Febtoberfest, and then things warm up just a bit as we ease into the spring. At that point we all realize how fast the winter flew by... especially how fast we gained that 30 pounds and how fast we all became so pale-skinned that people are offering to check us into drug rehab. Then my fat pale ass gets to say "didn't fall and winter just fly by?" hundreds of times as the terrible cycle spins on.